Random off the cuff thoughts tonight… And I am writing this straight to this page, no editing, as I’m shattered and feeling brave (or stupid 😜)…
So earlier I was having a pretend conversation in my head with a friend (as we all know I do all the time, #actuallyautistic) about food. And in this internal dialogue I said to her, I love food now, and the stronger tasting the better. But as a child I used to be really fussy.
And then something inside clicked and I thought HOLD ON A MINUTE.
And I reworded it in my head.
*As a child I was unable to eat a lot of things.*
And just like that, a whole load of shame dropped off.
It is NOT fussiness if you stick to foods that do not make you gag or vomit.
It is NOT fussiness to fight for dignity at the dinner table.
It is utter, complete sanity.
To force yourself to eat food that makes you feel sick is madness.
And yet so many of us experience this as normality in childhood.
And it subtly chipped away at my understanding of the world. At my voice. At my perception of my sanity and worth.
When the reality I knew to be true was denied.
Food shame has had a strong hold on me. It has caused huge problems in my relationship, as I have been intolerant, unable to bear that which was not tolerated in me.
But no longer.
*As a child I was unable to eat a lot things.*